Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional — so how do we navigate difficult times?
We may be hard-wired to avoid unpleasant stuff — ugly feelings and distressing thoughts, for instance. Yet what is a fully lived life? One of highs and lows, trying and striving — or flat nothingness?
As the Buddhists say, pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional. Unwanted and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are an essential part of life. These thoughts and feelings are inevitable — our “pain” part of the Buddhist saying. We then interpret and act on our painful and awkward internal landscapes. Yet could it be that the solution is the problem, not the problem itself?
What we do with awkward feelings (our solution) might create needless suffering. We avoid awkward feelings, distracting or numbing ourselves. We say or do regrettable things, reacting — not responding. There’s a big difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is without balance — lashing out. Responding means taking a breath and gaining centre before anything else.
It is hard to gain this vital balance in life. People push our buttons. We are not always our best and don’t have a buffer for bullshit. Yet a single calm breath and an intent to pause can open the door to responding.
How do I help myself and my clients take that pause and then open the door? I recommend an abridged version of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This quick practice is a habit with three legs. This tripod of balance? Be open, be present, and do the right thing.
a. Be open
b. Be present
c. Do the right thing
a. Being open is about noticing how your anxiety sits heavily in your chest, accompanied by racing thoughts or rumination. Also, notice when you’re listening to your ongoing critical or distressing thoughts. Noticing when you are taking these thoughts seriously, too. Call it ‘You FM’ — the radio station that never sleeps. Being open is helping you detach or ‘defuse’ from your thoughts. Let ‘You FM’ play in the background without taking it seriously. Also noticed when you are savouring life, e.g. with workmates, enjoying life. Once noticing, move on to the next step — moving your attention to the present moment.
b. Being present is about shifting your attention to the present moment. Not the past, not the future. Right now. How? Box breathing — 5 or 10 rounds. Take 1–2 minutes holiday from your worries. Also, being self-compassionate — when it’s hard to be in the present moment. Treat your anxieties or thoughts that take you out of the present moment like a cute puppy trying to distract you. Gently lift them up and place them somewhere else, then go back to the present moment. The same self-compassion is with your racing thoughts, worries about the future or feelings of vulnerability and fear.
Being present is also about facing awkward feelings stemming from failure. Failure to be open and recognise your triggers or unhelpful coping strategies. Failure to stay in the present moment. Failure to remain committed to valued goals. You might try the ideas in this article — and fail. So do you quit the concept of being open, being present and doing the right thing? No. You might fail a few times. You may “get worse”, before you “get better”. So be curious and welcoming of failure and setbacks — they are almost inevitable. Let the idea of flexible persistence helps you sustain long-term momentum.
c. Doing the right thing. What do you value in life? What is a high-quality life? Spoiler: it includes sitting with ‘negative’/yucky feelings as well as ‘good’/pleasurable ones. What are your goals? Look at these goals — are they goals based on approaching or avoiding something? Approach goals = what you want to do in life (healthy). Avoid goals often happen when you’re ruminating/in a bad place and you think only of what you want to avoid. Another form of “avoid” goals is designing conditional goals. For instance, the assumption that if I lose ten kilograms, people will love me.
Avoid goals are the “junk food” of goals — salty, sugary, and fatty — an enticing salve. Instead, box breathe and get into a self-compassionate space. From an expansive mindset, try again — this time, designing approach goals. Your goals and values help you be open to difficult thoughts and feelings. Being open helps you get into the present moment.
Being in the present moment gives you space to respond. To take a breath, calm down and do the right thing. What is the “right thing”? Any behaviours or actions that take you towards your valued life and goals. Even if you need to engage in difficult thoughts and feelings. Difficult thoughts and feelings may be things like imposter syndrome. Or feeling awkward, risking embarrassment or judgment.
Doing the right thing includes doing things every day that take you towards your goals and values. This includes being honest about the best time(s) of the day when you can do these things. Behaviours repeated become a habit. Habits repeated become your destiny.
Want to develop your organisational change management skills? Check out my books The Change Manager’s Companion and Remarkable Organisational Change Communications. Both are available now. You can also enjoy my online course on Change Management.