Can You Spring-Clean Your Life?

Our thoughts can be our worst enemies.

Imagine if your thoughts morphed into a person sitting beside you. This person is now at your side throughout each day.

“The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.”

- Robin Sharma

What kind of person would you find them to be?

A hostile, awful person who judges you? A kind, compassionate person who offers you hope? Someone who laughs at the absurdity of life? Or someone who rails against the world?

Does time with this person make you better… or bitter?

This person is a collection of past hurts and healing. What this person says to you represents your thoughts. How they act are your feelings.

Yet how healed is this person?

The person sitting with you is your consciousness. This consciousness is like computer software. Yet this software may have logic errors. The software script continues to run yet takes the software — and the user — in unusual directions. It’s not like a standard error where the software stops, alerting the user that something is ‘broken’.

These subtle errors influence our life.

Psychologists refer to a term called ‘schema’. A schema is a potential reason for our person’s logic errors. The person sitting beside us touches on a particular schema. Bam! The logic in their software takes their thoughts and feelings in various directions. Yes, these directions are often unhelpful … and unexpected.

A schema is like a giant map in our brain that helps us understand how we think, feel, and act. It’s made from things that have happened to us in the past. Schemas can change the way we see things now. They are like a guide that helps us react to things around us.

Some common types of schemas, including common beliefs arising from each:

1. Abandonment or mistrust. Others will inevitably abandon or hurt us, and a fear of rejection or betrayal.
2. Emotional deprivation. Our needs for emotional support will not be met, leading to feelings of emptiness or incompleteness.
3. Defectiveness or shame. We are fundamentally flawed or inadequate, leading to feelings of shame and self-doubt.
4. Social isolation. We are alone in the world, leading to feeling lonely and isolated.
5. Subjugation. We must subdue our needs and desires to avoid conflict or rejection, leading to feelings of powerlessness and resentment.
6. Entitlement. We are entitled to special treatment and should be exempt from the rules that apply to others. We feel resentment and frustration when our expectations are not met.
7. Failure. We will inevitably fail, leading to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.
8. Unrelenting standards/ perfectionism schemas. An unrealistic and excessive need for perfection. We feel disappointment and frustration when we fall short.

So now what?

What I’m suggesting in this article is a gross oversimplification of human nature… and your experience. Yet it’s something you are welcome to consider. It may seem simple too — yet how well could you practice each suggestion? It’s easy to be cynical — life is too hard, and the best way forward is too complicated for a mere mortal like me to understand. Yet bear with me.

“We can’t change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” — Randy Pausch

According to Jeffrey Young, the creator of schema therapy, our schemas sometimes lead us down three unhelpful roads: Over-compensation, surrender or avoidance.

Imagine if you could wave a magic wand and have anything you want. Nope, I’m not talking about wanting material things. The multi-million dollar mansion or whatever can wait. Do you have a logic error in your ‘software’? A schema that leads you down an unhelpful path? What if you could fix this schema?

Let’s start with how much you believe this can happen for you. How much do you believe one thing?

People can change the way they think.

Think of a scale of zero (zero being ‘don’t believe’) to ten (ten being ‘complete belief’).

What number out of ten are you thinking of?

With this number in mind, there is a way forward. Like most ways forward, it’s not perfect for every situation. Yet it may help. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a type of talking therapy. CBT helps people to understand how their thoughts, feelings and actions are connected. It teaches people how to change their thoughts and actions to feel better.

You have more power over your mind and circumstances than you may think. Your schema (like ‘subjugation’, for example) may aim to stop you from stepping into this power. Reclaiming or leaning into your power may feel uncomfortable. A lifetime of particular thinking may have worn you down.

Yet change is possible.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” — Alice Walker

Schema therapy is a form of CBT designed to target these underlying schemas and help you change them.

CBT is not a quick fix. It’s most effective with regular long-term practice, usually at least a few months. And for best results, it’s usually done with a psychologist’s guidance.

You can make a habit of using CBT in daily life. You can start by learning to recognise negative thoughts and beliefs. This takes time and practice. After all, your ‘person’ sits beside you barking opinions at you each day. Yet you have gotten used to their presence. This ‘person’ — your thoughts — is a part of you.

Creating distance between your thoughts and ‘you’ takes time. This is why I likened your thoughts to a real-life person who sits with you. Once you realise your thoughts are separate from the rest of who ‘you’ are, you can progress.

Here are three ways to create distance between unhelpful thoughts and their impact on how you feel and your behaviour. Each is a separate yet linked practice or discipline. Experiment, fail and persist with each.

• Practice mindfulness. Practice paying attention to the here and now and not judging yourself. You only enjoy the present when your mind is in the present moment. Thinking about the past leads to regret and painful memories. Thinking about the future may make us anxious about things we cannot control. Mindfulness shows us that our thoughts are like an unhelpful monkey or puppy. This tiny animal may be cute and captivating. Yet they aren’t helpful. Gently pick up your ‘puppy’ and place them outside. It’s OK. Go back to savouring the present—the sensations, images, thoughts and feelings of the present moment. Regular mindfulness practice helps you see your thoughts as separate from yourself.
• Cognitive restructuring. Examine your unhelpful thoughts and check if they are true or not. If they’re not, you can think of other ways to look at the situation. What different thoughts could you have? Which ones are more balanced… and accurate?
• Labelling — or “name it to tame it”. Notice the thought or feeling you’re having, yet don’t get caught up in it. Naming our thoughts and emotions can be cathartic. This small step can help you separate yourself from the thought and make it feel less overwhelming.

So you start to catch negative thoughts — nice one! What is this person like if you liken these thoughts to a person? Aggressive? Judgemental? One-sided or unbalanced?

You can now challenge and dispute these thoughts. What evidence supports or refutes the thought? The sense of emotional balance you need means you must be ‘in a good place’. To be in this ‘good place’, you must look after yourself. A good night’s sleep, time to reflect, and a sense of emotional balance help you arrive at this ‘good place’. Also, how well can you tolerate upsetting emotions? Distress tolerance is a skill — not easy to practice — yet worth your efforts. Like any skill, keep persisting, even if you believe you suck at it.

Sometimes schemas take our behaviour down unintended or unwanted paths. Sometimes the behaviours happen without thought. Lashing out, avoidance or other behaviours have consequences. Yet when the logic error in our software trips, our schema ‘activates’ these behaviours.

So what behaviours do we want to change? What behaviours would we like to put in place instead? What small, achievable goals can help us change ugly, unwanted behaviours to better ones? Remember our proverbial magic wand. It would be great to change behaviours immediately, yet it will take time.

Sometimes our schemas mean we miss out on parts of life. For instance, those who feel worthless or lonely may have a ‘logic error’ preventing them from engaging in parts of life. What enjoyable activities have you avoided due to a schema?

Even though you may not ‘feel’ like it, could you create a plan to increase your engagement in an activity? Start with small and manageable steps. It may involve setting specific and measurable goals. For instance, “I will spend 30 minutes a day on a hobby I enjoy” or “I will reach out to a friend and make plans to meet monthly”. Such activities could include hobbies, exercise, socialising, or volunteer work.

Part of your goal-setting should include boundaries to protect you. How can you engage in an activity while managing your emotional energy? How can you maintain healthy boundaries in your interactions with others? This may mean setting limits on social interactions that are draining or overwhelming. You may also need to find ways to take care of yourself emotionally after these interactions.

This process of feeling better takes time and effort. So it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself. How can you celebrate small successes along the way? Psychologists can be helpful as a partner in this process. They are trained in creating a treatment plan that links to your goals and treatment needs.

A psychologist can act as a ‘mirror’, reflecting your thoughts and feelings. This is helpful as you may be recounting a problematic situation. Buried in emotion, it’s difficult for you to switch to a more reflective mode of thinking. Yet a psychologist acts as this reflective mirror and captures patterns for you.

Psychologists trained in schema therapy can help you in several ways.

1. Schema identification — helping you ‘name it to tame it’. You may experience great moments of insight in therapy. Your ‘mirror’ helps you identify your schemas and activating triggers. This may involve the use of questionnaires like the Young Schema Questionnaire. Semi-structured or unstructured interviews and self-reflection exercises are other tools available.
2. Mode work. Explore different “modes” or emotional states that you experience — and how your “modes” relate to your schemas.
3. Emotional processing. Recognising emotional states is one thing. Yet you may also need to process and work through the emotions associated with your schemas. Psychologists can help you with this through guided imagery, role-playing, or writing exercises.
4. Cognitive restructuring. Your practice of noticing unhelpful thoughts bears fruit. You and your psychologist can seek evidence to support or refute unhelpful thoughts. Consider alternative perspectives and generate more balanced and realistic thoughts.
5. Where the rubber meets the road — behavioural change. Your psychologist will help you identify and change schema-related problematic behaviours. This may involve setting goals and developing a plan to change specific behaviours.
6. Interpersonal work. Sometimes our patterns of interaction with others link to our schemas. A psychologist is your trusted partner in role modelling or examining people interactions.
7. Self-care. A psychologist may remind and encourage you to develop self-care strategies. Let’s not forget: personal change is stressful. Self-care is essential to help you handle the stressor of mighty, long-term personal change. Regular self-care supports your emotional well-being and prevents relapse.

Mighty, transformative change takes time. Schema therapy is a long-term treatment lasting at least several months.

Schema therapy is indeed longer than other forms of psychotherapy. Why? Because schemas are deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. They have been developed over many years.

Thus changing schemas takes time and it’s not a quick process. Changing schemas needs a thorough exploration and understanding of your history and emotions. Developing new coping mechanisms and ways of relating to the world also takes time.

Treatment duration depends on your needs and goals and problem severity. Financial means influence your capacity; I empathise if you have limited financial means. Also, your willingness and capacity to engage in regular therapy influence better outcomes.

Schema therapy can help you rewrite the ‘book of your life’.

A psychologist can help you develop a treatment plan tailored to you. Yet with consistent, earnest effort with a trusted partner like a psychologist, you can spring-clean your life.